My musical childhood:

Twenty-five years ago I stopped playing the flute. Pretty much completely. The reasons behind this are complicated and personal, but it definitely isn’t something anyone would have predicted for me growing up. Growing up the flute was my life. From very soon after starting to play, it was what I wanted to do ‘when I grew up’. And that never wavered. 

When I started aged 7, I was known as ‘little Jeni with the flute’ at the local music centre. It wasn’t normal then to join until around aged 10, but they let me in thankfully. I did this every Saturday morning in term-time until I switched from being a student there to teaching there when I was about 17. I played in every group I could, including the bands, orchestras, recorder groups and even went to the theory group. As a teacher there I taught individually, ran the flute group, the theory group, the recorder groups and the junior wind band. I went to County Band and County Orchestra and became lead flute for both, culminating in playing the Ibert Flute Concerto with the orchestra and Carnival of Venice in multiple countries with the band. I played in as many amateur and semi-professional pit orchestras for musicals, ballets and operas as I could, often under the baton of Tony Morgan. My childhood could not have been more filled with music - and I loved it.

When I was 17, I was invited to attend weekly masterclasses with Peter Lloyd at the Royal Northern College of Music and a year later started my degree at Leeds College of Music (now Leeds Conservatoire). At Leeds I won multiple awards, was offered the chance to go and study for a year at the Berlin School of Music, performed a concerto with the Symphony Orchestra and was invited to play in many local orchestras and bands. I also started to do solo recitals – things were going well and I was on track to become a professional musician.

The final point in that part of my journey was being offered a coveted postgraduate place at the Royal Northern College of Music. It was the thing I needed to help me transition into a career in music and something I had dreamed about and wanted since I was a small child. It meant everything. It meant I was good enough. But I never went. Life got in the way and it is a decision I will always regret, because now this is something I can never go back and do. I wish I had somehow made it work and gone when I could but I lost that chance.  

The in-between years:

My life in the years without music was not uneventful, but for me, it was always missing something. I had my first child (who is now 16), became a midwife, went through a long and painful journey to have my second child (who is now 6) and finally went through a divorce and some big, life changing circumstances. I also learnt a lot about autism and ADHD and SEND needs and the rather broken school system! It was these life-changing circumstances that led me back to music. Whilst I was busy living and having a family, I lost music. I lost who I really was. Being a midwife is a job I love, but it will never be ‘me’. The thing that is me is music and nothing else can fill that space.

Back to music:

The new part of my life also involved a new partner and her 3 children. Amidst our many, many life coincidences and things we had in common, we both rediscovered our huge love of music. We gradually started playing music together, and over time my love of the flute came back. I was very, very rusty, but joined the Yorkshire Wind Orchestra in Sep. 2023 and over the next year started to become more comfortable in my playing again. It was never easy to get the time to play as between us we have 5 children with SEND needs and I worked as a midwife, but we fitted it in where we could.

The impact of my health:

Unfortunately, my health and mobility started to fail and by early 2024 I was off work, gradually becoming more and more unable to move around. By May 2024 I could barely walk around the house and was in a lot of pain. I could only play the flute sitting down and couldn’t see a future where I could play the flute or even work. A future without work, music and living life with my kids and partner was not something I could contemplate or accept. To wait for the necessary surgery on the NHS would have taken 4-5 years. By this point I knew that life as I knew it would be over and would be impossible to get back. So I took the plunge, even though scary, and booked surgery in Turkey for June that year. I travelled there with my mum, spent a scary 24 hours very poorly in their High Dependency Unit, but 4 days later was discharged and had an exhausting journey back to the UK. I spent the rest of the summer recovering from the surgery and gradually started regaining my mobility.  

September 2024 – now

It was shortly after my surgery that I made the decision that music needed to be back in my life in a professional capacity. It was no longer enough to have music as a hobby. I needed to follow my heart and do the thing that was ‘me’; to perform again and share that with others. In September 2024 I was accepted onto and started the MMus Performance at the University of Leeds, despite the fact that I hadn’t been able to play since before my surgery. I started practising again in September 2024 – and never one to do things by halves (!) - learnt the last movement of the Khachaturian Flute Concerto and used it to audition for the university symphony orchestra. I was given the position of Principal Flute out of 15 flutes that auditioned. In October 2024, I started to email cathedrals and churches for the opportunity to do recitals and was invited to perform at Ripon and Wakefield Cathedrals in November. In 5 months, I went from barely being able to walk or stand to doing a full solo recital. I now have several recitals booked in 2025, many more in the pipeline for 2026 and concerto opportunities coming up with several orchestras across the country – one is even booked for 2028!

My Second Chance:

It’s hard to imagine that 8 months ago I could barely walk and that I was only able to start practising properly 4 months ago. My life has changed beyond recognition and I am looking forward to the future and very excited! But to take advantage of this second chance I know I have to work very, very hard – I can no longer do a postgraduate at the Royal Northern College of Music and take advantages of the opportunities that affords; I have a family with disabilities and a job. So I am doing this the hard way. With a huge amount of determination and hard work. I am creating my own opportunities. My own exposure and my own future. My position in the orchestra was down to hard graft in my practice time. My recitals are happening as a result of many, many emails and hours trawling the internet. My concerto opportunities are a result of contacting amateur and semi-professional orchestras in the UK able to play the works I am suggesting. It has meant creating my own website. Doing recordings to put on there. It has meant getting feedback from anywhere I can to put on my website. It has meant putting myself out there in person, on social media, using whatever methods I can. I have had to learn how to use Instagram, TikTok, LinkedIn and the professional side of Facebook. I am still a long way from being proficient in all these things, but I am getting there. Somehow, even though I have had such a long break from music, my playing has not suffered. It has matured, become more. And the feedback I get about my expressive tone and playing means that I am succeeding. My playing is making a positive contribution to other people.

I will do this. I will have a career as a soloist and recognised flautist. One day I will teach at University level and share what I love with other people who love the same thing. I will perform with bigger orchestras at bigger venues. Whether I make a living from this or not doesn’t matter to me. What matters to me is doing what I love to the best of my ability and sharing it with as many people as possible. And when I do this I will know I did it despite having a large family with SEND needs. Despite being so much older than my peers. Despite having had such a large break from music. This is my second chance and I can’t let it go. I will know that what I have done and achieved will be down to me, my musicality and my hard work and determination. And it will make me very, very happy.